My baby didn’t sleep much last night, which means neither did I. My thoughts and actions this morning have been rather disjointed, so I’m not really sure where this train of thought began.
I know that I was walking out of the garage and about to prepare some breakfast for the baby. I had just gotten dressed and was wearing a pair of jeans that haven’t fit for months (thanks, pregnancy weight), and I was kinda feeling out if they were now loose enough to be modest. They felt loose enough, to be comfortable at least, but I wondered if they looked stretched across my bottom. My husband would tell me right away if they were fine or not if he was at home, but he wasn’t. I know I have to go out to run errands today, and I was struck with the temptation to forget the train of thought and wear them anyway. If my husband saw them at the end of the day and said they were too tight I would put them away for when I’ve lost a few more pounds. No problem.
Except there would be a problem. There would be a problem if I just wore them for one day and didn’t care if they weren’t quite right yet, and wore them to go out. And that is when the thought struck me, that even if they weren’t tight by the world’s standards, that being tight by my standards was the actual deal breaker. I don’t care if the world sees them as modest and conservative – if they’re too tight for me to be certain of their modesty, then what kind of Catholic am I being if I allow myself to wear them in public even once? Why would I let myself walk the line of uncertainty when there is a clear option to be on the side of certainty merely by wearing something I know to be modest? I can’t justify that.
I do not want to be mistaken by the world as being of the world. I do not want society to look at me and think I’m just one of them and I’m not doing something different with my life. Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to live a life that others can identify with and which allows people to be comfortable asking me about my lifestyle and choices and eventually about my religious convictions. But that is not the same thing as blending in. In a heathen world you are not following God if you blend in. It is a simple truth. And even for an introvert like myself, what better reason to stick out on a crowd than to be humbly adhering to modesty of dress and comportment? Especially if that just means your pants aren’t too tight? What do you have to lose?
It certainly was a long rambling thought, all the way from the garage to the kitchen. And truth be told, this was hours ago and I am still wearing the jeans. But I will not be wearing them out in public today, simply because I am unsure that they are modest. (My 7 month old is now napping in my bedroom, so I dare not enter to change my clothes for fear of waking her. But once she’s awake, game over.)
I hope I can continue to have this mindset regarding modesty and presentation, and being distinct from the social standards of the world. Maybe it can help others think too, about what they wear or how they are seen. But mostly let us just remember, as Catholics, that we must not be mistaken as being of the world, because if we are, then it isn’t a mistake at all, it is simply the truth.
